Do I need to put you in time out?

If you’ve read a few of my posts you’ve probably picked up on how I tend to compare the Canucks to a boyfriend/romantic relationship. After this road trip, however, I’ve noticed I’ve been thinking of them more like a parent would. A parent that knows their kid can do so much better but they just WON’T PLAY LIKE I KNOW THEY CAN. I realize that this metaphor is a little weird since usually I coo over how studly they are but this is where we are.

You also know by now how much I adore defence. After the first period in Nashville I wanted to weep and pull my hair out and fall back in dramatic fashion on my fainting couch with the vapours as handsome men fanned me and fed me grapes. The entire defensive core was stumbling around in their own zone for almost the full 20 minutes like they were chugging rum on the bench instead of gatorade and healthy electrolytes. It really was an insult to my eyes. Nashville just had the puck for way too long and the Canucks looked like getting out of their zone was like me trying to solve a math word problem. The PK was also just revolting. Whatever is being taught there, needs to be fixed. COME ON, boys. That is not the team I know and love.

I’m really glad Kes finally broke his goal scoring slump of 14 games because the poor boy had been beating himself up more than anyone but that was about it for good things in that game.

I know they were at the end of a road trip and were probably tired and all that stuff but when it comes down to it they HAVE TO START WINNING ON THE ROAD. That road trip sammiching the olympic break is not going to be a picnic, dudes. And even if you’re the best team in the league, you don’t get play all your playoff games at home. Maybe it’s time to figure out a different preparation plan for games on the road or something.

So, since we’re continuing this “Canucks are under performing kids” idea, here is a lesson plan for the Canucks so they can get back to their awesome adorable kick ass winning ways.

1) Find your happy place on the road. Bring your blankies, or teddies, or some Vancouver drift wood. You know, make sure you’re comfortable. Do some yoga. Watch a funny movie.

2) This one is hard for you guys I know but HIT. THE. NET. You got tons of shots in the Nashville game but I would also be rich if I got bills for every shot you had that missed. It really was ugly. Maybe throw up some bulls eyes in practice and have a cookie for every one you hit, OK?

3) SKATE. SKATE. SKATE. Wayyyy too many silly lazy penalties were taken on this road trip. I know I like bad boys, but not this bad, ya know?

4) Continue taking lovely handsome pictures while traveling around the globe. I still love you and I know you’re ready to turn a corner and start a winning streak.

If you follow this game plan, I’ll bake you some cupcakes and let you out of the corner and take off that dunce cap. I promise.

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