Shinny: How Does This Friggin’ Pool Work?

Welcome readers to our round-up of the CHB Writers celebrity death pool Fantasy Hockey Pool.

For those of you who missed it last week, eight of your favourite CHB contributors (okay, seven of your favourites plus Chris) are doing battle in a pool showdown of epic proportions, to earn the title of… well, we’re still undecided on what the winner gets.

Below you’ll find the pool standings as well as a few thoughts from each of our competitors. 

1. Mr. Haiku (Clayton) 100.5 points

Mr. Haiku has already distinguished himself at the head of the class. I have the outright lead or share of the lead in 7 of the 16 statistical categories.

My strategy of going for high point-getters has paid off thus far although it wasn’t intentional: I wasn’t aware of the stat categories prior to drafting my team. This is obvious when taking a look at a few of the other categories: I’m dead last in PIM and faceoff wins.

Kris Letang is my (very) early MVP while I’m still wondering why I took Martin Havlat. 

As for what we should be playing for, given that our pool is free, I’m not sure if there’s a budget to even get a small trophy or plaque. Perhaps the loser should have to re-tweet the winner’s tweets and blogs for an entire month?

2. 2 Sedins 0 Cups (Tom) 91 points

Let this be a lesson to you all – never enter a pool with someone who has God on his side (Clayton aka Mr. Haiku). It’s too early to start claiming victory, but I will say this – Chris’ autodraft experiment smells a lot like Ryan Reynold’s movie career: failure.

As for what we should be playing for, I could honestly care less about what the winner gets – I’m much more interested in the loser’s punishment. If reality television has taught me anything it’s that the food challenges are always the toughest. What about the loser having to eat an order of every food item available at Rogers Arena in one sitting?

Since we’re talking about winners or losers, allow me to digress for a second. Has anyone gone from the proverbial “mountain top” of show business to forgotten person quicker than Oprah Winfrey? Four months ago she left as the queen of daytime television. Now she’s running OWN (Oprahy Winfrey Network) and nobody’s watching.

Her big ratings solution (bringing Rosie O’Donnell back to television this week) garnered fewer viewers in its debut than the recently cancelled H8R – which was only the most insuferable television show of all time (I hate you Mario Lopez, with your fake tan, smile, happy family, comfortable career and abs my wife probably freeze frames on the TV when I’m not looking).

The 500 channel universe has reduced Oprah to something she hasn’t been in over 25 years – just another person who works in television.

3. Church’s Chiggins (Ed) 81 points

I’ve been a little disappointed with my team’s performance so far, which has kept me in the middle of the pack. No one on my team has had a particularly good first week. Lundqvist has yet to win a game and John Tavares hasn’t had a point yet (until last night). As of Tuesday, no one on my team had more than 2 points. Disappointing.

Couple that with the DTD status of Evgeni Malkin, who apparently isn’t as healthy as we were led to believe in the off-season after he got his bionic knees, and you have an underperforming roster. The only nice surprise is the 14 PIMs from Patrick Sharp in one night.

However, it’s only a few games into the season. Star players will get their points and things have a way of evening out as the season progresses. October is always wacky. Those of you expecting Jason Chimera and Matt Cooke to be contending for the Rocket Richard Trophy are going to be disappointed.

4. Hossa’s Samosas (Matt) 67 points

(Matt was so unimpressed with his middle-of-the-road showing that he failed to provide his thoughts for this piece. Clearly a bad sport. Also – I hear he steals from soup kitchens and refuses to talk to his mother.)

5. The Hamhuis Ballards (J.J.) 65.5 points

I’m oddly attracted to CW’s new show, Hart of Dixie. My wife thinks I’m just attracted to Rachel Bilson. There may be some truth to that.

I suppose I’ve unconsciously followed her career for a while now. While I didn’t watch much of The O.C, I loved Bilson in “The Last Kiss” and secretly hoped she would be the “your mother” in How I Met Your Mother.

Similarly, looking back at my CHBWFHP picks there are a few players I’ve seemed to follow and unconsciously draft year after year after year: Thomas Vanek, Brandon Dubinsky and Drew Stafford.

Vanek is off to a hot start with 5 points in 2 games. Somehow, Dubinsky is just behind Zenon Konopka and Chris Neil in penalty minutes. Meanwhile, Stafford scored an insurance PP goal against the Kings as the Sabres are off to a 2-0 start.

Hart of Dixie has received mixed reviews and its ratings have been on par with Gossip Girl. But after only 3 episodes, it’s probably too early to read into those as well

(Editor’s note: Heart of Dixie was given a full season episode order on Wednesday.)

6. Burrows Buddy (Lizz) 61.5 points

Anything higher than last is what I’ll consider a victory. Henrik and the Staal brothers are my champions right now, proving my sibling love is properly placed.

As for prizes, I think first at least deserves a round of drinks, and possibly a Volpatti shirt. I feel like he’d be pretty good at hockey pools. Second place should get some of the 2011 playoff gear they’ve trying to get rid of at the outlet store.

7. Goose is my Wingman (Chris) 58 points

So can someone explain to me how exactly this pool works? And was allowing Byfuglien to be auto-drafted really a bad thing? Personally, I still think there is a vast conspiracy at CHB to prevent me from really doing well in this pool. In fact, it’s eerily similar to the experience that Maverick’s Dad had (you know when he flew with the VF-51 “The Oriskany”) when the State Department didn’t want to admit the battle happened on the wrong side of the lines. Yeah, something like that….

Anywho, apparently we should be thinking of what we all could get for winning and/or losing this pool. Well… if my two cents are worth anything, I’m thinking that the winner should be forced to buy the loser a steak at Gotham’s. Definitely good karma to be had by doing that. And seeing as I auto-drafted Byfuglien, it will help me maintain my svelte Byfuglien-esque figure.

8. Kesler is my Homeboy (Caylie) 51.5 points

When I go and look at the hockey pool standings I feel as though I’m playing a slot machine in a casino. You know, the one where you have no idea how to win but at random times you do end up winning, and when you think you’ve won you’re actually in last place. With so many categories I don’t actually know how we get points, all I know is that Team Kesler is my Homeboy has a lot of negative points each night and is keeping Chris company at the bottom of the pack.

This is going to be a long season of confusion. It must be nice for those on top, but I’m convinced they have no idea why they are winning.