Apr 082014
 
Source: Canucks.com

Source: Canucks.com

I was at Rogers Arena last night to see the Vancouver Canucks lose 3-0 to the visiting Anaheim Ducks.  It’s crazy to think that just three short years after witnessing the Canucks clinch their first-ever Presidents’ Trophy (on March 31, 2011), I was watching them being eliminated from playoff contention for the first time since the 2007-2008 season.

With three minutes to go in the third period, a very audible “Fire Gillis” chant broke out in the arena and it went on for a considerable amount of time.  Obviously, the Canuck faithful are restless and are demanding a change – whether it be Gillis, Tortorella, or maybe even both of them.

With the Canucks playing two of their final three regular season games at home (Thursday vs. Colorado and Sunday vs. Calgary), I went to Twitter to ask what other chants we might expect from the crowd.  You responded, and thus we have the Top 10 Chants That Are Likely to Break Out in Rogers Arena:

10.  “Ref You Suck!” – submitted by @Adamcanucks17

9.  “Go Leafs Go!” – submitted by @jehovasvictim

8.  “Bring Back Lu!” – submitted by @FearTheBeard13_

7.  “Shoot the Puck!”

6.  “Blow Canucks Blow!” – submitted by @BlahvBlahvBlah

5.  “We Want AV!” – submitted by @maggiecanuck

4.  “We Want McDavid!” – submitted by @elliottneck

3.  “C-H-B! C-H-B!”

2.  “We Want Free Beer!” – submitted by @waterboy99troop

1.  “Woe Canucks Woe!” – submitted by @MartinvandenH 

Jan 212014
 
John Tortorella tries to get into the Calgary Flames dressing room.

John Tortorella tries to get into the Calgary Flames dressing room.

On Monday, we found out the fate of Vancouver Canucks Head Coach John Tortorella for his attempt to enter the Calgary Flames dressing room last Saturday night.  The NHL suspended Tortorella for 15 days without pay.

While some Canucks fans commended Tortorella’s actions as loyal, passionate, and justified, the NHL didn’t agree, calling Tortorella’s actions “dangerous and an embarrassment to the League.”

Assistant coach Mike Sullivan will take over the reins for the next 15 days.  In the meantime, Tortorella is not permitted to have any interaction with the team prior to, during or after games..

I asked the Twitterverse what Tortorella should do during his suspension.  The replies came flooding in, expanding the expected top 10 list to a top 20 list.

Thus, we proudly present to you the Top 20 Things that Tortorella Should Accomplish in the Next 15 Days:   

20. Score 4 goals.  – submitted by @BuckFoston_

19. Think to himself “Phew! Now I have time to finish that afghan I’ve been knitting!”  – submitted by @b_cmack

18. Make friendship bracelets for Bob Hartley.  – submitted by @Dawn_Retel

17. Map out a route in the ducting from the Canucks room to the visitors room. Nobody will expect an aerial attack.  – submitted by @kylenryan

16a. Attend Flames games in seats behind the bench with posters.  – submitted by @DCanuckgurl

16b. Buy tickets behind the bench of every Flames game.  – submitted by @bmah03

16c. Attend every Flames game.  – submitted by @JamesLawnsocial

15. Go to the next Flames game dressed like this.  – submitted by @wbborg

Tortssword

14. Perfect his baking skills and make the team Fight Club-themed cupcakes.  – submitted by @forevercanuck

13. Wooooo saaaah!  – submitted by @emilsirakov

12a. Yoga.  – submitted by @elmeebaterina

12b. Practice yoga to find inner peace.  – submitted by @DXenophontos

11. Sweep Aquilini’s driveway.  – submitted by @Mikem84

10. Do Cabo San Lucas round trip for $500 or so.  – submitted by @THogg21

9a. Plan the BEST Super Bowl party.  – submitted by @sedinitronic

9b. Go out and buy a stash of Marijuana for the Super Bowl.  – submitted by @DRushton11

8. Walk around downtown like the Fonz signing autographs and taking pictures with all the happy fans.  – submitted by @madhipcheckz

Ayyyy

Ayyyy

7. Anger management appointments.  – submitted by @number_1_dunner

6. Hunt Hartley. He can bring Booth with him.  – submitted by @kesrows

5a. Hang out at the Saddledome by the Calgary locker room with a tent until Hartley mans up.  – submitted by @funkmaster_dunc

5b. Get some ninja skills so he can get into the Flames area with stealth.  – submitted by @hawknut888

5c. Booby trap the Flames locker room in Calgary.  – submitted by @paulalmeida22

4. Sew a Bob Hartley voodoo doll.  – submitted by @river975mike

3. Finally catch up with The Walking Dead.  – submitted by @lizzmoffat

2. Go on vacation with his buddy Larry Brooks.  – submitted by @cpjohnson88

1. Start a @ChickenShitBobHartley parody account.  – submitted by @JustinTillyer

 

Bonus:  Make a guest appearance on one of your songs.  – submitted by @Rozzy80

Can you imagine if we got Torts to sing about Torts?

 

 

Dec 202013
 
What was Roberto Luongo thinking?

What was Roberto Luongo thinking?

 

Roberto Luongo was pulled from the net early in the third period of last night’s 4-1 loss to the Dallas Stars.  It was a tough night for the Canucks’ netminder as he let in the 4 goals on only 19 shots in 42 minutes of work.

Shortly after being pulled, the cameras caught Luongo on the bench making the above face. Was he replaying the goals in his head?  Sucking on a sour candy?  Fighting off a stomach ache?

With the help of the Twittersphere, I was able to discover some possibilities.  In fact, I received the highest number of submissions ever for a CHB Top 10.

Thus, here are the Top 10 Things Roberto Luongo was Thinking While on the Bench:

HM:   “That puck went left and I went right… kinda looked like this.”  – submitted by @WestCoastRidrz

HM:  “I wonder if I can get me one if those turkey legs now.” – submitted by @snacktalker

10:  “In Florida, they don’t play defense either but they at least let me see the puck.” – submitted by @Aviewfromabroad

9a:  “I wonder if I can use how much my twitter account is worth to buy out my contract.” – submitted by @paulalmeida22

9b:  “I sure hope this doesn’t affect my Twitter account value.” – submitted by @codybarendregt

9c:  “My Twitter account’s value increased by $433.20 to $270,838.80.” – submitted by @DustinStadnyk

9d:  “I wonder how this affects my Twitter account’s value.” – submitted by @Shazmodius

These 4 replies are a reference to a couple of tweets that came from Luongo’s account over the past couple days from a website or app that claims to measure your Twitter value.  Luongo has since deleted the tweets.

8:  “I should check my iPad to see how Carey Price did tonight.” – submitted by @PPGoose

7:  “I feel like Rodney Dangerfield: no respect, I tell ya.” – submitted by @watsukoguy

6:  “They told me I’d be seeing stars here in Dallas, but this is ridiculous.” – submitted by @jaybizzones

5a:  “Repeat of Anaheim in 3….2…” – submitted by @Rozzy80

5b:  “I better hit the sandbox!!!” – submitted by @pat_pendergast

5c:  “Oh damn, I hope that wasn’t a shart!” – submitted by @DevrieBeckett

5d:  “Crap. Did I remember to flush?” – submitted by @lyteforce

You can never go wrong with toilet humour.  The tweet from @Rozzy80 is a reference to the famous playoff game of May 2007 when backup Dany Sabourin had to fill in for Luongo in a playoff game – in overtime no less – for a few minutes while Luongo had an untimely case of diarrhea.

4:  “I wonder if Bryz will let me into his humongous, big universe…” – submitted by @RogerWi1co

3:  “Now is as good a time as any to pull off my best Jean Chrétien impression.” – submitted by @Swizzler16

2:  “Milk hot dogs.” – submitted by @JoshuaDykstra12

1:  “Dear Santa: This year I want a new bike, a red wagon, and peace on earth…..” – submitted by @b_cmack

Dec 102013
 
Source:  Canucks.com (Jeff Vinnick/Getty Images)

Source: Canucks.com (Jeff Vinnick/Getty Images)

John Garrett received a lot of flak (both serious and fun) from Canucks fans when he talked about Roberto Luongo’s shutout bid in the last few minutes of the Canucks game vs. the Colorado Avalanche on Sunday night.  Whether you call it a jinx, circumstantial, or just horrible timing, Luongo was scored on with 7.1 seconds left in the game, and Garrett was left looking for a rock to hide under.

Wouldn’t you know it: just over 24 hours later, Eddie Lack was working on his first-ever shutout during a strong performance against the Carolina Hurricanes.  Even when Jannik Hansen scored an empty-netter to put the Canucks up 2-0, the fans were still uneasy.  And John Garrett knew better than to even broach the subject of a shutout.

So while John Shorthouse called the final minute of play, Garrett was left to ponder other things.  Here are the Top 10 Things that John Garrett was Thinking as Eddie Lack Closed in on his Shutout:

10:  “Garrett wasn’t saying anything.  Swedish (House) Mafia likely had a gun to his head so he wouldn’t spoil the…you know.” – submitted by @jortillan

9:  “I’ve got a hankering for some Cheez Whiz on Ritz minis. Mmmm, with Honey Nut Cheerio sprinkles…” – submitted by @PuckedInTheHead

8:  “If I say it again, Eddie won’t be able to match my NHL career shutout total!” – submitted by @b_cmack

7:  “If I say it again I’ll be banned from Subway for life. #cheechloveshissubs” – submitted by @jasonclowers24

6:  “I wonder what other cereals I can put honey on…Shutout Shutout Shutout Shutout Shutout!” – submitted by @PPGoose

5:  “I wonder what I can eat from the Safeway Swipe & Win promotion this week?” – submitted by @JThompsonDesign

4:  “Meatballs.” – submitted by @elmeebaterina

3:  “What cheese isn’t yours?  NACHO CHEESE!”

2:  “Wait, wait, wait…what if I put Cheez Whiz…ON CHEEZ WHIZ! Garrett, you’re a genius!” – submitted by @ADanielWagner

1:  “Cheese on crackers. Cheese on apples. Cheese on toast. Cheese on eggs. Cheese on oranges. No. Cheese on burgers. Cheese on chips.” – submitted by @wronsweeney

Dec 022013
 
Mike Komisarek acting like a baby

Mike Komisarek acting like a baby

Halfway through the Canucks 3-2 win over the Hurricanes in Carolina on Sunday, Brad Richardson and Mike Komisarek exchanged slashes in front of the Carolina net before Richardson dropped his gloves in anticipation of a fight.

Unfortunately, Komisarek had other plans. In a move some might call brilliant and others might call cowardly, the Carolina defenseman kept his gloves on and Richardson was left shaking his head on the way to the penalty box to serve a minor penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct.

Canucks fans were enraged, as was Kevin Bieksa on the Canucks’ bench. This wasn’t the first time that Komisarek pulled this kind of tactic, as I was reminded by @DimFilipovic:

Well at least Komisarek dropped his gloves and engaged (before getting beaten up).

The cameras cut to Komisarek taunting and making cry baby faces at the Canucks bench, providing me with this screen cap and tweet:

— Clay Imoo (@CanuckClay) December 1, 2013
 

The picture was too good to pass up, and with the ease of Twitter, I knew I had my new CHB Top 10.

Thus, here are the Top 10 Reasons Why Mike Komisarek was Crying:

HM:  “He just realized he plays for Carolina.” – submitted by @thelights17

HM:  “He just wants more power play time.” – submitted by @Savyl91l

HM:  “He knows he can’t even score on a 2 man advantage.” – submitted by @brittca

10:  “He just got the last “your momma” joke someone made at his expense.” – submitted by @cherry_grant

9:  “To become an internet meme so the coaches will remember he exists.” – submitted by @simonwils

8:  “Someone took his sweet roll.” – submitted by @SDelarg

7:  “He’s missing Ron Burgandy commentating on TSN.” – submitted by @MikeVersace1

6:  “He didn’t make the Carolina Hurricanes cheerleading squad. #dealwithitprincess” – submitted by @HarmonyForseth

5:  “He saw his face in the glass behind the bench.” – submitted by @Lestat774

4:  “Because of whatever the trainer standing right behind him is doing.” – submitted by @Rozzy80

3:  “He smelt his glove.” – submitted by @613SportsChick

2:  “Bieksa won’t give him his Tonka truck back.” – submitted by @LorrieForseth

1:  “He lost his binkie when he shot off his mouth.” – submitted by @Aviewfromabroad

binkie
 

Nov 242013
 
Photo credit: Reuters

Photo credit: Reuters

One night after handily defeating the Columbus Blue Jackets 6-2, the Vancouver Canucks were seemingly in control of their matchup vs. the Chicago Blackhawks last night.  The game was a fast-paced affair and while both sides traded decent chances, Roberto Luongo was extremely sharp.

Then, in the blink of eye, the Blackhawks potted two quick third-period goals and the Canucks fell into a hole from which they couldn’t climb out of.

The time between the two goals?  Nine seconds.

It was shocking, disappointing, and disheartening.  Despite a valiant effort for the rest of the game, the Canucks couldn’t solve Corey Crawford and lost by a familiar 2-1 score.

I’ve compiled some other things that can happen quickly in this new CHB Top 10:  The Top 10 Things You Can Accomplish in 9 Seconds:

10: Compose a tweet asking for submissions to the CHB Top 10.

9: “The Blackhawks can almost win two Stanley Cups!” – submitted by @puckjim

8:  “Win a hockey game…if you’re Chicago.” – submitted by @MitchEmDee

7: Finish 69.2% of your first shift with the Canucks…if you’re Mats Sundin (his first-ever shift with the team was 13 seconds long).

6: “Draw a straight line. Oh wait, does erasing count for 2 seconds?”  – submitted by @elmeebaterina

5: Set the world record for the 100 metre race.

4: “Have me play a better shift than Zack Kassian… and I can’t skate.” – submitted by @jasonclowers24

3: “Listen to Jonathan Toews without falling asleep.” – submitted by @wronsweeney

2: Complete one speed stacking cycle – if you’re Jacob Imoo (see video below).

1:  “Make a baby (brown chicken brown cow).” – submitted by @geoff_heith

Nov 182013
 
So tell us how you really feel, John.

So tell us how you really feel, John.

The most popular topic stemming from last night’s 2-1 Dallas Stars victory over the Vancouver Canucks was the apparent Henrik Sedin power play goal that was called off early in the second period.  The official reason referee Rob Martell waved the goal off was because he felt that Daniel Sedin had made illegal contact with Stars’ goalie Kari Lehtonen just prior to Henrik’s shot.

Obviously, the goal could have been a huge momentum-changer, as it would have evened the score at 1-1 in a game that the Canucks were controlling the play.

Needless to say, Twitter exploded with conspiracy theories and charges of bias against the Canucks.  I was one beneficiary of this Twitter rage as my picture of “Angry Torts” (as above) had me trending atop the Trendsmap rankings for Vancouver for a short while.

CHB represent!

CHB represent!

I can safely say that this was the first time and likely the only time I will ever be trending in ANYTHING.  But I digress.

Thanks once again to you – the awesome people on Twitter – I have compiled yet another top 10 list.

Here are the Top 10 Reasons Why Henrik Sedin’s Goal Was Waved Off.

HM:  “Just to piss us off.” – submitted by @KevinBye1

HM:  “It was an action out of habit, as the refs all assume the Canucks can’t score.” – submitted by @A_L_ai

10:  “Ref made a human mistake but sh!tty rules allow that to happen with no recourse by team.” – submitted by @THECooop

9:  “Refs thought they were UFC judges.” – submitted by @greynotegroup

8:   “Coin came up heads.” – submitted by @skitzo12

7:   “The Henrik goal was waved off because the refs wanted to make the early bird special at the buffet. OT would have made them late.” – submitted by @HabsLions

6:  “Gary Bettman pressed the ‘Screw the Canucks’ button at NHL headquarters and activated the implant in the ref’s head.” – submitted by @b_cmack

5:  “Staches got in the way – too many participants for Movember.” – submitted by @elmeebaterina

4:  “Henrik farted in Lehtonen’s face. Heard that could give a guy pink eye.” – submitted by @cbaldwin74

3:  “One of them went to the Roxy last time they were in town. #herpesareforever” – submitted by @jennafabulous

2:   “The ref got confused that Henrik shot the puck. Thought it was an illegal move for him.” – submitted by @jasonclowers24

1:  “Ref didn’t want Henrik passing Don Lever on the all-time goal scoring list.” – submitted by @Steve_May

 

 

Nov 152013
 
"The Goon" wrestled in the WWE (former WWF) in 1996.

“The Goon” wrestled in the WWE (former WWF) in 1996.

I have a confession to make: I watch professional wrestling.

While I don’t follow it as closely as I used to in my teenage and young adult years (I can get through a 3-hour show on my PVR in about 15 minutes), I admit that I can still be entertained by these “sports entertainers”.

Some of the most memorable and exciting moments in wrestling take place when a hero switches allegiances and becomes a villain. Most wrestling fans know that the good guys are called “faces” and the bad guys are called “heels”; thus when a good guy becomes a bad guy it’s called a “heel turn” (I know…it sounds like a dance move).  The most effective heel turns are sudden, forceful, and surprising (I’ve included two of the most famous ones in this blog).

Thus, combining my love for hockey and my strong like (haha) for wrestling, I present to you the Top 10 Hockey Heel Turns:

10:  Slamming a teammate’s arm in the bench door.

9:  “Luongo giving Kesler a Stunner.” – submitted by @MikeVersace1

8:  “Refuse the next line change and head to the dressing room.” – submitted by @jortillan

7:   “Submarining a teammate during a 2 on 0 rush.” – submitted by @PPGoose

6:  Hitting a teammate in the head with a broadcast camera.

5:  Mats Sundin with the shootout winner in Toronto.” – submitted by @THECooop

4:  “Get a fan favourite traded, take captaincy, un-retire #11.” – submitted by @PPGoose

3:  Scoring on your own net and then pointing at the fans as they pelt you with garbage.

2:  “Hugging your teammate after a goal then throwing him through a plate of glass windows.” – submitted by @jortillan

1:  “No matter what, jersey must be pulled off to reveal another jersey.” – submitted by @jbowmancouver

Nov 072013
 
Photo source: www.canucks.com

Photo source: www.canucks.com

In the Vancouver Canucks’ 3-2 loss to the Phoenix Coyotes on Tuesday night, both Henrik and Daniel were among the Canucks skaters to shoot in the shootout. Daniel’s quick snapshot was stopped by Mike Smith, and Henrik lost the handle of the puck on his attempt, sealing the loss.

It still perplexes me as to how two of the most creative and offensively-gifted players in the entire league can perform so poorly in the shootout.  Perhaps they could spend some of their new $28 million on shootout coaches or lessons.

In the meantime, CHB readers offered up their suggestions on how the Sedins could improve their shootout performances in a “fill in the blank” version of the CHB Top 10.

“To score in the shootout, the Sedins ______________.”

HM:  “…need to spinorama.” – submitted by @harpsama

10:  “…need to practice on each other – Sedin Sync – seeing each other skate towards net.” – submitted by @tony_p_power

9:  “…must befriend Pavel Datsyuk.” – submitted by @manlycc

8:  “…should sit on the bench and watch.” – submitted by @MStoney21

7:  “…need a two pass minimum.” – submitted by @RusteeWatts

6:  “…should be on the bench until they allow twins to cycle in a shootout.” – submitted by @elmeebaterina

5:  “…have to go together.” – submitted by @transcendwebs

4:  “…need an empty net.” – submitted by @krissymchua

3:  “…need a skills session with Marek Malik.” – submitted by @mob1024

2:  “…need a cardboard cutout of a pass-ready Ryan Kesler in the net.” – submitted by @Rozzy80

1:  “…need to get the DeLorean up to 88 mph.” –submitted by @Swizzler16

Oct 252013
 
John Tortorella shares a laugh with referee Wes McCauley

John Tortorella shares a laugh with referee Wes McCauley

The Vancouver Canucks continued their long road trip with a 3-2 shootout victory over the Devils in New Jersey. Once again, it was the battle of former teammates as Roberto Luongo faced off against Cory Schneider (figuratively and not literally), giving me yet another opportunity to post my latest Canucks music video.

But I digress. After overtime had concluded, the cameras caught John Tortorella, referee Wes McCauley, and a few Canucks players sharing a chuckle as Torts handed over his shootout line-up.

We will likely never know what exactly they were all giggling about, but it’s sure fun to speculate. So we proudly present to you the Top 10 Things John Tortorella and the Referee Were Laughing About:

HM: The initial shootout list had BURROWS – SCHROEDER – HANSEN. – submitted by @tony_p_power

HM: “You’re seriously going to put in a Sedin for the shootout?” – submitted by @Reinhart73

HM: Torts wrote “Sedin” on the shootout list in an attempt to have both Sedins on the ice for a single attempt. – submitted by @PPGoose

HM: “Torts, you spelled Kesler S-e-d-i-n.” – submitted by @Drbl24

10: “Sestito in the 3 spot… Yeah that’s funny.” – submitted by @auldie10

9: “…and then Sean joins Twitter and says he’ll have better tweets than his Dad!” – submitted by @Rozzy80

8: “Edler? Seriously?” “Yeah, watch this.” – submitted by @BrowntoBure

7: “I am just gonna use Luongo. He is the best player we have tonight.” – submitted by @basketballphil

6: “You lost some players Torts … you can always use Lack in the shootout.” – submitted by @carlz8

5: “Just keep laughing so Alberts thinks he’ll be in the shootout.” – submitted by @elmeebaterina

4: Torts: “Bet you ten bucks Edler will score in the shootout.” Ref: “No brainer.” *whispers to himself* “Idiot.” – submitted by @jocethetip

3: “Look, I don’t know why the kid behind me looks so damn confused, I just work here…” – submitted by @octobermidnight

2: Torts: “I’m going to put Daniel in.” Ref: “ROIL (rolling on the ice laughing)”. – submitted by @TheFalconer

1: “Watch this, I’m going to use Daniel AND Edler and we’ll still win this shoot out!” – submitted by @jaybizzones

 

I wanted to leave you with a nice video from after the game last night.  With Tortorella as he addressed the media was Liam Traynor and his family.  Liam suffers from cerebral palsy and has been friends with Tortorella from back when Tortorella was coaching the Rangers.  Liam was featured in HBO’s “24/7 Flyers/Rangers: Road to the Winter Classic”.

Kudos to Tortorella for making time for Liam and his family.  Torts said it best at the end of the video: “This is more important than hockey.”

%d bloggers like this: