Mar 022011

I don’t hold with them new-fangled statistics like plus/minus or Corsi ratings. Why should numbers be privileged over letters? A player’s name is the best way of revealing his essence — short of cutting him open, of course.

Rearranging the letters of a few Canucks’ names can reveal truth you’ll never find in a spreadsheet. Meditate on these anagrams.

Daniel Sedin: Linden’s idea
“Good thinking, Trevor. So, to recap, I’ll send you to the Islanders for Brian McCabe, whom my succesor will trade to get the other Sedin twin.”

Henrik Sedin: Heed in rinks!
Outside the arena, you can safely ignore him.

Alex Burrows: Walrus Boxer
Before making it big with the ECHL Greenville Grrrowl, Burrows was a proud Walrus Boxer.

Mason Raymond: Damn, ya morons!
“I was wide open in the slot. Didn’t you hear me screaming?”

Mikael Samuelsson: A muskmelons aisle?
“Sorry, sir. We may have some in the back, but I doubt it. What country did you say you were from?”

Tanner Glass: Agent snarls
“I’ll see you in hell, Gillis.”

Dan Hamhuis: Ahah, nudism!
I know he looks innocent, but the anagram never lies.

Keith Ballard: I’ll bark death!
“Calm down, Keith. What I really need from you is a little bite.”

Sami Salo: Am I a loss?
“Kleenex? Well, not completely, no. Your injuries did help the cap situation this season. ”

Alexander Edler: Darn, Lee relaxed.
A jealous Edler was hoping Sweatt would collapse in terror during his first game.

Andrew Alberts: Bartender’s Law.
Free drinks on the house whenever Alberts scores.

Cory Schneider: She cried. Corny.
Desperate to fit in, the rookie goaltender mocks chick flicks.

Roberto Luongo: Retool our bong.
Clearly, he’s adapted very well to the West Coast.

Dec 242010

From everyone here at CHB, we’d just like to wish you all a happy, healthy and Merry Christmas.

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire,
Gillis snipping at Pratt and the Moj,
Yuletide carols, “Win Da Turd”, sung by a choir,
Blackhawks are the team we hate the most.

Everybody knows a turkey and it’s a team from Toronto,
Help to make the season bright.
Sedin, Sedin and Burrows with their eyes all aglow,
Made it hard for Mathieu Garon to sleep tonight.

Bieksa knows that Sami Salo’s on his way;
He’s loaded lots of band aids and crutches on his sleigh.
Shorty and Garrett, Lee and Weekes, opposing ‘D’ cry,
“Kesler, Raymond and Tambellini can really fly.”

And so I’m offering this simple phrase,
To Canucks fans from Manny, Hammer and Lou,
Although its been said many times, many ways,
A very Merry Christmas to you

Nov 012010

In the wake of Halloween there are always an abundance of fan made pumpkins, some good and some not so good. I’ve never had the skill nor the inclination to tackle a pumpkin let alone to brand it Canucks but there are some folks out there with significantly more drive and talent than I, and they have some pretty cool pumpkins to share.

This first one comes from @transcendswebs who manages to tackle the hardest Canucks logo and make it look good on a pumpkin. Kudos sir.

Next up we have Gemma Davis who’s attempted to recreate one of the Canucks most iconic moments. If you remember it was used as one of the Canucks Streetwashes and now has been temporarily found it’s place in history on a pumpkin.

A couple of people decided to try the retro logos. We’ve got a very cool looking Johnny V’s and again, I must reiterate, I could never create such art, let alone Canucks art, so I leave it to the much more gifted than I. The one on the left is courtesy of Evan Taylor and the one on the right by Thomas Fita.

The last two pumpkins are by far my favourites. I have to hand it Alistar Hayward. His Canucks Skate logo pumpkin was cool enough but his 40th Anniversary pumpkin blew me away.

Oct 052010

While I don’t want to give the shootout any serious consideration in the offseason, I notice the Canucks starting roster looks like it will once again lack a shootout specialist. Last season, six different Canucks were picked to do the shootout; this season, two of those players – Kyle Wellwood and Pavol Demitra – are no longer with the team.

I’m sure Malhotra and Torres will get a look in the shootout. Torres has decent career numbers and Malhotra has the ability to score in the clutch. Tambellini has the best shootout numbers of all the new comers having scored on 6 of his 9 career shootout attempts, though whether or not he plays much is another issue.

Anyway, to make a long story short, the foreword was really a preamble and reason to post this creative shootout goal by Kaspars Daugavins for the Bingham Senators in a game against the Hamilton Bulldogs last night.

Sep 292010

A while ago Sports Illustrated came out with a “Separated at Birth, NHL Style” album which showcased NHL players with their celebrity look alikes. The list includes Luongo and the Twins and even has former Canucks captain Markus Naslund on it. With the recent re-arrival of Morrison to Vancouver someone pointed out to me that he has a look alike of his own so with a little Canucks flavour.

Brendan Morrison and Finn Hudson

Sports Illustrated should consider adding Brendan Morrison and Cory Monteith aka Finn Hudson from the show Glee to that list. Any other Canucks look alikes that you think are out there?

Apr 012010

- I was in the Vancouver daily 24 hours today for the 5 on 5 segment. It was fun and those involved sure bring the funny. It’s pretty flattering Guts Mctavish asked me since he’s one of the very funniest puppets or people I know. An online version can be found here if you’re so inclined.

- On the Shane O’Brien situation, while he’s made bad decisions and deserves some discipline from the Canucks, the person (or people) that sent the picture to Deadspin are so SO low. If you do a little research it’s clear that picture wasn’t even from the past Sunday night they were claiming. I bet whoever took the picture was totally buddy buddy with Shane at the time. Sure, he’s a big boy and he put himself in this situation but I still think it was classless and it makes me glad I’m not at all famous. Although, NICE velvet blazer Shane baybee, really. That’s some gorgeous fabric.

- Ken Campbell has a blog for The Hockey News claiming Hanky doesn’t deserve the Hart trophy because he has too many secondary assists (Which Campbell believes aren’t valuable) Bish please. He obviously hasn’t watched the Sedins and the Canucks much this season. Hank isn’t collecting freebie assists by any means. I wrote off THN after they wrote my cousin an insulting and false draft profile in 2008 and I think I’ll keep it that way. No meatballs for you, Mr Campbell.

- The Canucks can FINALLY clinch a playoff spot tonight if they get just one point against the Kings. So even an OT/shootout loss will work, boys. I would prefer an actual win though wink wink. I’m actually missing the game because I’m going to JOHN MAYER TONIGHT! But if I read good news on my phone after the show I’m pretty sure I will look like this:

Jan 272009

Richard’s story is almost a week old. I thought I’d ignore it, but it seems like I can’t. He was on TEAM 1040 yesterday afternoon and the Vancouver Province ran another piece on him this morning.

Now, credit to Richard for realizing his actions weren’t cool and cutting off the source of his frustrations, but I still don’t understand why his story has garnered so much attention. Is he supposed to represent Canucks fans and 39 years of few successes? God I hope not. He snapped at his wife after his favorite sports team lost a game. I doubt many of us are like that. Actually, let me rephrase – I hope none of us are like that.

What do I do when the Canucks lose? I just think back to an old, favorite joke:


He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar. I thought it might have been my
fault because I was a bit late but he didn’t say anything much about it.

The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere
more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and
he was STILL acting funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder
whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I
wasn’t really sure.

So in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him and he
just put his arm around me. I didn’t know what the hell that meant because
you know he doesn’t say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place
and I was wondering if he was going to dump me!

So I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I
said I was going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me
and we had sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just
wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don’t know what he
thinks anymore. I wonder if he’s met someone else???


The Canucks lost.
Felt kinda tired.
Got laid.

Jan 042009

Thanks to yesterday’s dump of snow and being homebound, I watched an unbelievable amount of sports. Some of the best moments have already made their way on YouTube:

Jordan Eberle scores the tying goal with 5.4 seconds left in the 3rd period.

Sidney Crosby proving he can drop the gloves as well.

Alex Semin proving he can’t (or just shouldn’t).

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